Washington Redskins

Ban the Washington Redskins…Why stop there? [Satire]

With the latest ruling by the US Patent Office, the effort to ban the name of the Washington Redskins has gained further steam, which begs the question why stop there? In reality this entire hoopla was not sprung up by native Americans, but a VERY small group of “progressives” who apparently split from their comrades who busy themselves protesting the pledge of allegiance, nativity displays and the like.

Dignitas News was able to infiltrate a high level meeting of the Progressive PC Police team, as they discussed the ongoing dispute PC Policeover the Washington Redskins team mascot and branding. The following are excerpts from their strategy meeting:

NE Patriots-On top of being potentially anti-British, it harkens to our militaristic past. How about the New England Global Villagers?

NY Jets-Commercial air transit has been one of the engines of the capitalist machine. Besides, Manhattan (thats all that really counts in NY anyway, right) should have a team with a more soccer-ish sounding name, which should be the sport we like anyway, if America wasnt so….like…American! How bout the NY Style?

Miami Dolphins-Dolphins get stuck in the nets meant for tuna. Meat is murder. Lets just call them the Miami Heat like the basketball team. It will make it easier when we re-organize the major cities into communal camps.

Buffalo Bills-I know we cant do anything about the city name (yet) but somehow it just feels anti-Indian. After all, Bison (which is more proper, or Ta Ton Ka) was a noble staple of the native American diet, unlike the “settlers” who probably killed them for pleasure, gluttony and the NRA. How about the Buffalo Springfield? I just love “Whats that sound.”

Pittsburgh Steelers-I know its in reference to the steel-men (Im sorry steel PERSONS) who worked the mills, but not only did men get rich off of steel, it just sounds like “steal,” And since their colors are black, we dont want to imply that black people steal things. Let’s honor the them by calling them Pittsburgh Unionists.

Cleveland Browns-Seriously? OMG. I mean, brown-pride is beautiful but lets not go there. How about Cleveland Undocumented Citizens. No, that’s too long, the Cleveland Dreamers.

Houston Texans-Where does one begin? Oh well, I cant think of one, but go Wendy Davis!!

Tennessee Titans-“Titans” reminds me too much of the 1%. Lets flip the switch and call them the Occupiers. Or simply, Occupy Tennessee.

KC Chiefs-Oh goodness!! Not only is this offensive to native Americans (even if it isnt, lets just say it is) it also demeans the notion of the village, as we should all be equal, after all. Commissars is better, I think.

SD Chargers-Instead of honoring for-profit polluters, lets go with the San Diego Renewable Energy…or even better, the San Diego Solars!!

Oakland Raiders-This used to be okay, because our average idea of a pirate was always being white. That’s not the case anymore, so we should reconsider. How about the Oakland Income Re-distributors?

SF 49’ers-Why celebrate the greedy gold rush? Let’s reflect the city’s diversity: San Francisco LGBT’ers!

GB Packers-While some smart aleck suggested we just re-shuffle their name to San Fran, I’m okay with the name, but we should add “Local 437” to it.

Minnesota Vikings-This one was a bit confusing. Although some comrades argued that it displays people of Norwegian decent as violent and barbaric, I figured it was okay because they, but I was reminded we should be consistent, so, in honor of his naming the first woman VP candidate the group voted for the Minnesota  Mondales! Forward!

Dallas Cowboys-The name in itself is sexist and offensive. Cowperson’s will do just fine.

Philadelphia Eagles-We have pretty much given animal names a pass (with notable exceptions) but “Eagles” are too often used as a symbol of national pride. Especially by those tea-baggers. We all love Elton John, so we are going with the Philadelphia Freedom! Hmm, that could be counter intuitive as well…hmmmm, thats it! The Spotted Owls!!

DeadskinsNY Giants-Derogatory names are hurtful and a form of bullying. The New York People of Extraordinary Height!

New Orleans Saints-You didn’t honestly think we would let this one pass? We have a separation of church and state in this country. And pretty much anything else, if we scream loud enough. Besides, we need reasons to remember our hatred of Bush. The New Orleans Katrina Victims.

TB Buccaneers-See Oakland for notes. The Tampa Gay’s. Just because it fits.

As for the Redskins themselves (eww…I just feel dirty even saying it), we are a bit split, but thus far the two leading candidates would be the “Deadskins” or the Washington Casino Owning-Americans.

As stated, animal named teams are exempt for now, but debate continues. We will conduct a “scientific poll” of the species involved and get back to you with results!! Forward!

By Dignitas News Service Sports


RedskinsFacts (via YouTube)